This week has been a whirlwind. Exhausted, overwhelmed, consumed, filled with awe, searching– these are just some of the adjectives I would use to describe myself these days. Life has been good. So good. I feel myself drawing closer to God and my husband in profound ways, and all of that makes me feel so fulfilled. I don’t want to be anywhere else.
But the thing is that I over-think things. I am significantly emotional (combined with exhaustion is interesting), but more than that, I am so desperate to obey God, to follow “right”. I find myself ruminating over what God desires of me, what people want of me, where I “measure up”. I spend so much time questioning my actions, my words, my life, and wondering what is counting and what isn’t, what is effecting people and what is going left unseen and unheard. I want so deeply to be useful to God, that I forget what I am saying…
If God is going to use me, I need to realize that the more concerned I am about what I’m doing over what God is doing, then I’m not putting my trust in Him. But there comes another tricky word…
Giving God the glory, doing things without needing recognition or praise, allowing your heart to broken in order to love like Christ: these are all thing that require trust. They require surrender. They require obedience. They require me to take the steps of faith in following Christ, and allowing Him to decide where I should go, and who is being effected. They require me to be willing to give everything– all of my energy, my time, my money– in order for Him to be seen. Not me. My ambitions must be behind me, and He must be my goal. Not recognition, not praise, not even to watch people “get” what I’ve been saying. Nothing. No response. He must be my goal.
And so I question, who is it I trust? Christ is the only one who deserves my surrender. Who else should I want the praise from?
I have talked to friends in the last few weeks who have been so encouraging. I have witnessed their lives and heard their stories, and they all say the same thing. Trust is hard.
But today I witnessed a miracle that has been in the works for a year, and for longer in many, many hearts, and I see that if I can’t trust a God who is so faithful– who is so good– and simply withhold the things, passions, and people who are dear to me so that I can have control, then I will not be truly effective in anything.
This is the daily-ness. This is the hard stuff. But witnessing the miracle is more worthwhile than anything I could ever hold on to.
“But now, thus says the Lord, you Creator, O Jacob, and He who formed you, O Israel, ‘Do not fear, for I have redeemed you; I called you by named; you are Mine! When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and through the rivers, they will not overflow you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be scorched, Nor will the flame burn you. For I am the Lord your God, the Holy one of Israel, your Savior.” Isaiah 43:1-3