These past few weeks have been more mind-blowing than I have experienced in a long time, or for that matter, ever. I have never felt or seen God’s pursuit of our lives more evident than right now. I am having trouble responding to it all, discerning the ever turning thoughts in my head.
It all started a couple of weeks ago with some serious refocusing. I have had my eye in all directions but up for a while and so I needed to rediscover Who it is I worship. Once I surrendered my selfishness (though that is still quite a daily battle), I started seeing again. I started finding God showing up in the most random, unexpected times. I started becoming convicted of everything that I do throughout the day that is not honoring to Him. But more importantly, I started hearing Him say things like never before. It was and is very evident that God is trying to show me something.
Last week, I kept becoming convicted of my “comfortableness” (yes, I recognize that is not a word, but just roll with it). I kept thinking, I know that I want to serve God, to love widows and orphans, to be a person who consistently steps out in faith, but what am I doing today? This minute? In the daily moments? I began to start questioning the things I have assumed for a while, thinking that while I am a student, there isn’t really much I can do, or while I am preparing for marriage, I can’t really be helping the world.
So there it was. A entire way of being, living, thinking was questioned. (Dangerous, I know, right?) I knew God was preparing these stirrings for something. He was trying to teach me.
Then, I went to the Orphan Summit. There I found and heard people who live on the edge all the time. I found marriages so surrendered that they are willing to do anything for their Creator. I found people who have such a heart for the lost, for the least, for the orphan. I can’t even describe how my head has been spinning since this weekend. Not in a “I’m on a spiritual high right now and I have to come down at some point” sort of way, but in a “I don’t want to live the same earth-dependent way again” sort of way. Thank God Dan and I were able to experience this together, or I might have had a lot of explaining to do! 🙂
I want to know what it means in my life, to care for the least of these. I want to know what it means for the next 8 months, before our marriage. I want to know what it means for job-searching, for house-searching, for “budget” planning, for graduating, for everything. And honestly, I don’t have a clue. I know that we don’t want to jump into our marriage comfortable, with a list of bills to pay and things tying us down in a way that will prevent us from being willing to serve in any way. We are wrestling through this.
But, right now, I want to know what today looks like. How do I love the least of these this moment? How do I respond to God’s pursuit and show up to whatever He is calling me to do? I’m trying to figure this out and I would deeply covet your prayers.
I feel as though my life, our relationship, this journey is on the brink. On the brink of something unexpected. Of something I have not anticipated. So if I sound crazy, maybe I am. But I would rather be crazy than comfortable any day.